It’s been awhile

since I have posted.

It’s Easter morning, cool and windy, I’ve declined invitations today to continue to try to recover from all of the emotional crap that’s been happening at work.  I try to compartmentalize and not let emotions into my workplace, but sometimes that is impossible and it double wears me out.  The way to recover is to sleep, not hurry and spend as much time as possible in creative pursuits.

I’ve been thinking about the symbolism of Easter this morning – rebirth – and I believe that is what I’m in the process of right now.  Due to various circumstances, I have been held back – deadened – imprisoned – for many years, by family, friends, work, my habits and myself.  This deadening has put me in role that I do not like, but do so well.  That role is to be a caretaker, to work and work at home and at work for others.  So much for the golden rule,  spending decades ”Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” is flawed, when the others only want to take more, not enjoy what could be a fine reciprocity.  It’s my fault too, many relationships I should have ended, jobs I should have left etc.  along with the responsible, practical, can do anything persona I have.  

Yes, it all comes down to this – I have needs, just like every other person and I need to get out of this prison I’ve designed (with many others help) where my role on earth is to only serve others.  So, my rebirth has already begun by spending part of each day in my creative pursuits – photography being the main one.  It’s time for the garden and knitting.  I’ve lost a few pounds and I’m determined to get in better shape.  I’ve been walking daily, either to take photos or with my dog.  I love my animals.  The natural world renews me.   It’s time to get back to the root, who I really am and find my potential and hey, maybe someday some person will actually consider taking care of some of my needs.  

To spring, renewal, energy, nature, creativity and freedom from this imprisonment and rebirth.

Pain

I tried to make the climb one time yesterday and now I’m in such pain that I couldn’t sleep well and woke up way too early.  I feel like crying and staying home, but too much work to do and another meeting to attend.  Probably appointments to be made and legal stuff to do before this is resolved.

Meetings

Two meetings today on the issue, one tomorrow. How to not get too stressed out when all this time will be spent on an issue that is pushing all of my personal buttons. Breathe.

Taking Control

I haven’t been writing, because I have been feeling like my life has spun out of control lately. Everything was comfy cozy and then bam, circumstances changed that could effect my job &/or my health. I’m caught in this – don’t want to make waves because of the economy, but can’t not make waves to save myself. In the process, I have been realizing my contributions to making my health worse and how I like my condition to be a secret and I’m so uncomfortable with people knowing that I can’ do everything. I joined a weight loss program yesterday and today I am going to rid my place of any clutter to at least pretend there’s some control in my life. Through this process I have had to talk to a number of people and they either don’t hear me or they minimize or they come right out and say that I’m making the severity up. It’s all done such a number on my head. So the stress, the intense menu planning and cleaning will get in the way of the one thing that has been making me happy – art – and that is really sad to me. I guess when the chips are down, I care more about a sense of control then using my creativity.

Wise Friend

I was still racing at 10:00 last night, when a friend said ’stop’.  I did.  I plunked down on the couch and watched an hour of tv – good brain dead time – and felt approximately 100% better and ready for bed soon thereafter.  The to-dos sometimes just have to wait.

Contrast

The weekend was filled with walking and shooting (photos), errands and taxes. It was a rough start this morning to the too early alarm, trying to cram in some photos before going to work and it’s going to be a rough week workwise. This, once again, will give me the opportunity to try to not let stress take over.

Habits

I used to go to my spiritual community every Sunday morning without fail, but for the last few years my attendance became sporadic and now I haven’t been in months. I woke up too late this morning and have so much to do – because I didn’t do my to dos yesterday. I’m feeling uncomfortable showing up because it means rushing and because I have gotten out of the habit and I don’t want comments. How can I define myself as something and not show up for it? There’s also this feeling that they are going to ask me to do work and I’m worked out. Maybe I will rush this morning and get back in the habit – because it was a very good habit (minus my inability to say no to volunteerism).

Okay

I know that writing my morning pages encourages creativity and helps with my stress level and yet, I have been having a hard time writing them recently.  Half of my brain revolves around worry about what will happen at work, to allergies, taxes, bills, the news, to exhaustion, to wondering how I have managed to get to this place and shape in the process of busyness.  The other half of my brain is in an almost frenzy of wanting to photograph every minute of my waking day, but I can’t – because of all the reasons above.  I’m going to take myself out and about both days over the weekend, beyond my usual radius, to photograph and explore.

More relaxed -

but not there yet. So tired, the delayed reaction syndrome. Taxes, bills, work, drama, trying to be creative in the midst of things that don’t want me to be so.

It has been days-

-since I posted.

This has been for good and bad reasons.  The good ones are that I wake up every morning excited about taking pictures and run out of time to write my morning pages before work and because it was such a beautiful weekend that I just wanted to be out and about.  The bad reason is that the drama at work gets more dramatic every day.  All that drama wears me out in every way and zaps my energy from morning to night.